Waiting

Posted on June 22, 2011 by

1


I haven’t written anything good since I finished the first draft of my manuscript. I have a sneaky little demon in the back of my brain who wails desperately that I won’t ever write anything good ever. again. which is total nonsense, of course, because I know exactly why I’m not writing well, and it will pass.

I’m stuck in limbo. I care too much about that manuscript. I want people to love it and cover it with shiny kisses. I want it to be beautifully printed and get a star from Kirkus. It’s my baby and it’s left the house oh my god what’ll I do with myself now it’s gone because I can’t just sit around playing pinochle all day. I’ll have to take up gardening! Wait for grandkids to show up…uh I mean, readers.

It’s been said before by smart people: writing is a waiting game. I’ve read those posts about how you fill up the time. Most of them say, “just do something,” or “take a much-needed break.” Some are all like, “IMPROVE YOUR CRAFT,” because that doesn’t recall my mother guilt-tripping me about my chemistry homework, noooo it doesn’t.

What I yearn for the most is company. But instead of going out and giggling over coffee, I find myself watching oh, let’s pick an example entirely at random…say… 34 episodes of Bleach in a row overnight whilst nomming on miso soup and water crackers spread with goat cheese and passing out at 11 am only to wake up at dinnertime muttering something in Japanese.

Someone famous and authorly has very kindly offered to read my book. I can’t announce who it is, sorry — she’s going to give me a cover blurb if she likes it, so it would be a bit presumptuous of me to announce anything before she even reads it. Anyway, I got an email from her today and christ, the warm fuzzies! She’s pretty much the nicest human being in the world.

Don’t misunderstand me: I’m independent, for the most part. I live my life in my head. But right now, just, right at this particular moment, I need to get out and be social.

That’s another thing! Put me in a city and I’ll happily disappear into a crowd, but this place is killing me! I don’t live in a “walking” sort o’ town, you know? I grew up in one. I use walking to process. I haven’t gone on a good walk since I moved here! Arrrghghghgh. It’s like five THOUSAND degrees outside and I’ll get burnt in a nanosecond and I just want to go for walkies every day or go for a coffee or chat to a stranger about the time IS THAT SO DIFFICULT?

I need to move back to London. I’m starting to feel like Kobe beef.