LoTR Films Play-By-Play Snark – Fellowship of the Ring

Probably best if you watch along with the blog, but even so, I feel that my words are meaningful without such fancy-dancy frippery as having two browser windows open at once.

ANYWAY.

Herewith, the snarking:

Nice Celtic fonts for opening. Sorta shimmery. Ok, yeah, a little cheap-looking. Whatever.

Ooh! Cate Blanchett, hello!

Oh I remember this music. Also, another “speshul” font that looks like Celtic-shaped dirt.

Um, Cate, your hands are terrifying. Also, why is the picture quality so sucky? I mean, wow, these films were meant to be really pretty…and they look like they have a TV budget right now.

Bahahaahahaha omg Sauron is a dude in a suit. You look retarded, man. OMG WTF GREEN SCREEN SUCKS BALLS what is this??? This is not the LoTR I remember!

Um, Hugo ilu.

lolllllllllllllllll if u cut off his finger he dies whoa huge finger

CATE IT’S ISILDUR not ISILDOR get it right, GOD

Yes, that is exactly how you pick up a ring in water, Smeagol. You grab all the silt around it. And rocks. Because that’s sensible.

loooooolllll i remember 2001 era special effects.

the sound of the Ring abandoning Gollum: CLANK. CLANK. CLANK. no, guys, that’s a lead pipe against a toilet

Aw! Hobbit music! …and a strange stage direction in the lower left? In a completely different font family to all the other random fonts they’ve already used? What?

N’aww, Elijah Wood, you so adowable.

!!!!!!!!!!!!! GANDALF !!!!!!!!!!!!!

…guys, that is the fakest damn laugh I EVER heard. you’re supposed to be doing this crazy, amazingly high paid thing they call “acting”, right? smile with the EYES, not just the LIPS. is this some sort of gay man rivalry going on? because you ladies don’t seem to like each other much. also, that Elijah-hug creeps me the fuck out, specifically because it looks like someone threw him at Ian McKellan from off camera.

Gandalf: mumble more, thanks.

YAY, SHORT PEOPLE

okay, the veil has just fallen from my eyes. Gandalf is wearing a STUPID hat.

NO RANDOM HOBBIT WOMAN YOU ARE RIGHT IT IS VERY SHAMEFUL TO LAUGH

oh, the split shot. friend of budget-cutters everywhere. you know ian and other ian are prolly the same size irl

skipping a bit because OH MY GOD THAT IS THE BIGGEST CAKE EVER

aw, Sam, it’s okay, we know you have it bad for Frodo. he just wants you to dance with the girl as a cover up!

Gandalf…is it REALLY so wise to set off fireworks of that size when Sauron is basically A GIANT EYE at this point and doesn’t know that the Shire exists because he’s not LOOKING at it? I mean, isn’t that a giveaway of some sort?

Yeah, it’s TOTALLY Merry & Pippin’s faults if the Nazgul show up right now.

Put on the ring. Put it on. PUT IT ON Hee. Showoff.

SURPRISE GANDALF is…um, wow, why are we staring at your crotch during this entire scene…?

Ohh the Ring is spoooooky. IT’S IN YOUR POCKETSES Also it tings when you flip it.

okay, this is a funny little error. so when Gandalf hugs Bilbo after he wizards out on him, there’s this shot where someone is holding Ian Holm’s shoulders whilst he talks…and they’ve made that person wear a giant headpiece to make the size difference seem reasonable. BUT the hand on Bilbo’s shoulder is at the same scale as Ian Holm. I guess they thought giant gloves would look silly?

ALSO SERIOUSLY YOU’RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE THE ONE RING LYING ON THE FLOOR? Gandalf doesn’t pick it up before going outside to talk to Bilbo…what if it takes over the mind of some rat or mouse or something and gets carried off to the nearest Orc? What then? You’re FUCKED, that’s what then. Totally BALLED.

Hissssssauron!!! WAIT! THIS MAY BE SAURON’S RING I MUST GO TO FIND THIS OUT FOR CERTAIN.

Yay, fake Latin! Also Mordor! Then Gandalf! Then Isengard!

ohmygoshimustfindoutwhetherornotthisistheringofsauron! eventhoughisawsauron’seyeitcan’tbetheringomg DON’T BE DUMB GANDALF

i completely forgot this. i completely forgot the dumb way they pronounce Mordor in these films. Morrrrrrrrdorrrrrrrr

Blah blah blah someone gets beheaded

And there’s a Sam!

Oh god, how pretty are these settings? Geez.

Hai Isengard. Hai Saruman. Gandalf, seriously? Look at the sneer on his face. He’s not a good guy anymore. He HATES Hobbits. He knows too much. Seriously, Gandalf? You only guessed AFTER the doors close?

Hobbits and fields and BORING where’s the Rider? Theeere he is. With his bleeding horse. Ew.

Netflix has the uncanny ability to make the music and explosions far too loud, and the voices impossibly quiet.

…can the Riders not cross water? What? Why? Aren’t they meant to be noncorporeal?

HAH like that wooden fence will keep Riders out.

Inn and warmth and beer and laughter that is too loud and…a ferret. Whaaat?

EEEEEEEE ARAGORN EEEEEEEEE

Frodo goes all hypnosleepy. Uh oh.

ALSO PIPPIN IS A TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT DID HE NOT JUST SEE FRODO GIVE A PSEUDONYM

hahahah i love that when Viggo asks Elijah if he’s frightened, Elijah’s face says “Only of your beauty, good sir.”

Yeah, Viggo’s cute. But he’s already got thinning hair and a bunch o wrinkles.

I love Saruman’s nails.

Aw, a fake tree fell down. 😦

Also, what is it with bad guys in LoTR always talking with these dramatic I am Evil accents?

The trees are strong? Their roots are deep? Not according to that plastic tree I jus’ saw fall down twice.

Ooo, pretty mountain. Ooo, pretty daggers.

Okay, NOW I remember just how IRRITATING Merry and Pippin are. FOOL OF A BLASTED TOOK

Ugh, can we just stop with the fake Latin dirges? It’s SO OVERDONE

There’s the Witch King! I really like these special effects. Also, the poison that will kill Frodo. N’aww.

YES! BURN BABY BURN

ARAGORN’S SWORD SKILLS ARE TERRIBLE BUT THAT’S OKAY HE LOOKS HOT AMIRITE

Ugh, because Elves are always more wise than EVERYONE ELSE and also prettier and long-lived which is SUCH A BURDEN

Ooo Isengard music which is totes my fav all marchy and Wagnery and who are we kidding they’re evoking Nazis here

You know, the Orcs look like a very industrious race. The only hope this universe has for an industrial age, as a matter of fact. I love LoTR but it’s a little…uh, Luddite sometimes. Also, the Urukhai!

Uhhhh random scary Buddha statue.

Liv, you look so awful in these films. I have no clue why. You’re so pretty and they made you look like crap. wtf

Okay in that shot she looks pretty gorgeous.

Can I just discuss how this is an example of how Tolkien was NOT a misogynist? I mean, he trusts Arwen, on her OWN, with Frodo.

Arwen versus like, infinite ringwraiths. Winner: Arwen. How did they get so worried about the battle again? Like why doesn’t she pull this shit ALL THE TIME?

Argh, Hugo Weaving is pretty scary when disembodied.

Everything is brown.

Everything is blue!

An eagle!

A mountain range…and…

Everything is brown again.

NO YOU ARE MR. SMITH AND YOU ARE SCARY GO ‘WAY

Hi Bilbo. I love that book. Honestly, I’d love to get my hands on that prop. I hope they wrote out the entire Hobbit.

Sam talking to Frodo about stuff. They’re THIIIIS close to telling each other how much they want to bang…but they don’t.

D: Hugo’s using his “Mr. Smith persuading Neo voice” with Gandalf and it’s SCARY Seriously has anyone else noticed that the “humans suck” speech in The Matrix and in LoTR are eerily similar when delivered by Hugo Weaving just asking

BOROMIR LEGOLAS GIMLI YAYYYY

Isildur, you’re a tool. ALWAYS listen to Hugo Weaving.

Boromir, the blade doesn’t like you. Get over it. Magic swords are elitists.

Blah blah blah romance yuck blah she’s definitely Steve Tyler’s daughter, let me tell you. She speaks out of one side of her mouth, bless her.

GOD, Arwen, just BITE him or something and make him immortal like you and then everything will be perfect and you can go hunt cougars ohhhh yeah no that’s Twilight nvm

So tell me again, WHY do they send Boromir on this quest? Because he’s CLEARLY going to steal it later.

Viggo, what is up with your voice? Did you swallow some helium? Spit bubble in your throat? Most importantly: Peter Jackson, you can afford to get another take when your sex bomb sounds like a duck.

BOROMIR IS CLEARLY A TOOL WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU

Gimli is an idiot. Wasted a perfectly good axe.

Dammit, Hugo Weaving. Dammit. Stop Using the Mr. Smith Voice. Stop.

I wonder why anyone would pay attention to Frodo in this circumstance if it were not for narrative convenience. Just going by the film here, but surely he’s the one with the poisoned dagger wound, the one who Sauron expects to have the ring because he had it before? He can’t fight. Doesn’t know the way. Fuck, are there ANY outward advantages that would suddenly make everyone be like “YEAH LET FRODO DO IT HE’S THE BEST CHOICE”?

Goddammit Orlando, stop talking like you think Elves should sound like. LIV doesn’t talk that way (well, okay, she does sort of), HUGO doesn’t talk that way, GALADRIEL doesn’t…okay, well Cate talks like she’s on opium, fair enough. Yeah. That’s Peter Jackson’s version of the elvish voice: like you’re on opium. Hugo just has problems talking in a serious manner without evoking Mr. Smith, I guess.

NO GIMLI HE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR AXE YOU JUST BROKE IT OVER THE DAMN RING, YOU DUMBASS

It is hardly possible to separate Sam & Frodo, he says. YEAH…IN BED! HAH!

No no no no PLEASE don’t take Pippin seriously he’ll be the reason of 9/10 fuckups on this journey srsly

Nine fellows my ass. How about seven because Hobbits are only half geddit a short joke

Oh christ thanks melodramatic musical cue and Hugo’s fake smile I think I just threw up a little in my mouth

INTERMISSION

What the fuck is my cat doing to the litterbox?!?!? I can hear it down the hall.

/INTERMISSION

Sword my arse, that’s a dagger, don’t kid yourself.

ARGH crazy Bilbo always startles me.

Man, I love the setting for this film. New Zealand, you’re so pretty. :3

Yes yes yes we saw all of them in that highschool photograph set up earlier. You don’t have to show us again with that fanfare.

Gimli, can you do anything that isn’t stupid? Moria? Srsly?

It always seems as though people in fantasy take a very short amount of time to travel a very long way. All of a sudden we’re on the top of a mountain. No mountaineering gear or anything, carrying a shitton of armour, no problem.

Boromir is STILL a tool. Why does everyone think he’ll change?

Whoa, check out the amplifier on the top of Isengard! You could give a BADASS concert with THAT baby.

So, Gandalf, why exactly do you not tell Frodo that the Balrog is in Moria? I mean, shouldn’t he be fully informed before making the decision?

And now we wait for Gandalf to solve the “very hard” riddle, and for Merry and Pippin to fuck up, AGAIN. Now get in there before the thing in the water wakes up.

This bothers me: how does Gimli not know wtf happened? I mean, their bodies are months, if not years dead.

Cthulhu makes a guest appearance because Peter Jackson is a nerd, and now everyone’s trapped in Moria, and you HEAR what Gandalf says about being careful, right, Merry and Pippin? Do you hear it? No, of course you don’t. Because you’re fucking idiots.

I loooove the way Gollum’s eyes reflect. Nice work there.

The dwarves have an eye for grandeur, Sam. You’re right.

I love Pippin’s theatrical wincing. You know, you just brought orcs, a cave troll, goblins, AND A BALROG upon everyone. GOOD FUCKING JOB

Legolas is animated poorly…Sam makes a shitty joke…

Hahahah I love the expression on the troll’s face when Frodo stabs him. Like, “Ow, wtf, that STINGS you JERK.”

I’ve seen Viggo yell “Frodo” twice in this battle. BOTH TIMES he looks like he’s yelling, “AAAH!” Not the same thing, dubbers.

*sigh* Frodo, can you stop being the Princess everyone has to save all the time?

Ewww goblins are super creepy. And you KNOW that anything that can clear a hall of a bajillion goblins is BAD. No no do not just stand there you assholes, RUN, because the Balrog is only less harmful to the entire world than Sauron because he’s chaotic evil and if he decided to start an army you’d be SO FUCKED

Aragorn deserves a fanfare because of his knowledge of basic physics! Yay!

Oh Hel-lo gorgeous. Aren’t you awesome wit’ your big flamey sword and whip. It’s obvious Sauron’s power is in his army by this point because it’s said in the books that the Balrog is more powerful than Sauron and yet Gandalf can tell him to fuck off mightily and succeed, at least for a little bit.

Sorry, Gandalf, I know that you feel like you have to defeat the Balrog and it’s really important and everything but shouldn’t you worry about the Ring first? I mean, talk about melodrama, too. You could totes follow everybody although you’d have to summon your staff but all that takes is a little Accio, amirite? And then IF the Balrog gets out and IF he becomes a problem, you just do that li’l SHALL NOT PASS routine every I dunno, half-mile or so and you should be fiiiiine.

Anyway, one down, eight to go. Why the eff are you crying, Pippin? It’s your damn fault.

Teehee, Aragorn looks really damn awkward in that shot. Annnd also when he runs. He flails a lot. Lots of flailing.

See I was wondering, Is this Galadriel? Yepppp, Galadriel. Also, hahahahaha Gimli is being stupid again.

Haldir. SUCH a toolbag.

I love how she knows Boromir’s going to betray everyone but SHE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING. Why does everyone let Boromir get away with his SHIT? All she tells him is that there’s hope left! What the fuck, Galadriel???

Boromir is kidding himself. He’s not the heir and he knows it.

Uhh, this isn’t smart, Galadriel. He’s GONNA see Sauron. Seriously, you’re willing to have three inches of air and a film of water between the Ring and Sauron?

FRODO don’t give it to her DON’T BE STUPID although given the behaviour of everyone so far that might be a pointless request, silly me

I find Urukhai culture to be fascinating in these films. They use warpaint and pep talks and advanced armour. Although, if they have these giant forges, surely they’d be inside steam-powered mechs by now…?

The light of Erendil is in kind of a fragile and large container considering he has to travel all that way, no? Especially given that he doesn’t use it until the third film…

Man, I’m going to IMDB the Urukhai leader after this because his neck is as wide as a TREE, I mean he’s probably a rugby player or something

Oh man, I love those statues. Almost more than anything else in this film. HOW COOL ARE THEY

Hmmm, it was really easy for them to avoid that waterfall considering how close they are to it…someone who fords white water can tell me yea or nay on that one.

SIDE NOTE: “Yea” is the way “yes” used to be said. It is currently used for voting in formal circumstances. It’s pronounced “yae” (yay). “Yeah” is when you say “yes” informally. It’s pronounced something like “yee-aa-uh”. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME WORDS. Spell them correctly, FFS. I’m going to risk some ire for saying this but Janet Reid spells them wrong all the time and much as I love her IT BOTHERS ME STOP DOING IT AARRHGHGHGH

Frodo knows Boromir isn’t to be trusted. SO WHY DIDN’T HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT oh right because Boromir “is not himself”. Sure. This isn’t the real Boromir, sure. Also, Frodo is calling the Nazgul riiiiight to them. Good job, Boromir.

FRODO TAKE THE RING OFF YOU IDIOT

Also awwwww Aragorn is awesome and okayyyy okay Viggo’s not UGLY and he’s got pretty hands FINE, WHATEVER

So Merry and Pippin aren’t good for nothing…they’re good BAIT ahahahhahahahah

Dumb orc I thought the halflings weren’t supposed to be hurt. It’s the Urukhai’s fault because he didn’t specify unhurt. Dumbass.

Oh I am SO unamused right now. Boromir’s using his left arm to help him swing his centre of gravity around and thusly his sword, except that’s RETARDED because the first arrow went through his left breast muscle and he shouldn’t be able to move JACK.

TWO DOWN and uhhh sure you would have followed Aragorn, Boromir. If it makes you feel better to say that. Douche. No wonder your douche father prefers you to Faramir, because Faramir’s, you know, the AWESOME one. Also not ugly. Douche.

Frodo standing on a beach crying and looking ill. Thus begins TWO FILMS of Frodo standing/lying/sitting/walking on X, crying and looking ill. Sam being soaking wet and creepily, almost homosexually, loyal to Frodo. And thus begins TWO FILMS of Sam being X and creepily, almost homosexually, loyal to Frodo.

Moving on to the interesting people: now there are the three best characters not counting Eowyn. “Let’s hunt some Orc”? REALLY, scriptwriter? Really? You think that’s how people talk in Tolkien? Yes? YOU SUCK

Awww, a sunset, signifying the end of one very long and epic film. And Enya. All sarcasm aside, I love Enya. I grew up with Enya, and I listen to her every time I want to feel like I’ve done a shot of wiccan herbology mixed with opiates and stardust. Yay Enya! (The natural prozac.)

ON TO THE NEXT FILM, WHICH IS TOTALLY THE BEST ONE AND OMG WHEN I SAW IT I WAS BOUNCING IN MY SEAT soooo there won’t be much snark, sorry. I’ll do my best.

Bye! See you next time!